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Amateur night at the groomers

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Amateur Night at the Groomers, brought to you by the Flat Rock Grille and Animal Hospital. I’m your host, Wendell Stitched, and with me this evening is the incredibly perky Kathy Clipper. What can our viewers look forward to tonight, Kathy?”

Well, Wendell, as you know, amateur pet grooming has become a very competitive sport, particularly among owners of poodles. I think we will see some truly startling things in the ‘Most Amateurishly Groomed Poodle’ category, and we will probably also be appalled, possibly horrified, by the ‘Humiliatingly Shaved Terrier’ category.”

Yes, all of us remember last year’s event, when one poor dog’s groomer used the wrong sized blade guard.”

Yes, indeed, Wendell. It takes a truly amateur groomer to turn a goat-sized poodle into a Mexican hairless in less than 40 minutes. And of course, the risk of using the wrong blade guard is that there’s no turning back.”

You’re right there, Kathy, but don’t forget the Summer of the Mohawk, when a groomer decided to change blade guards anyway. We can all consider ourselves fortunate that dogs have no dignity.”

To be fair, though, I think that was complicated by the degree of difficulty in grooming a dog with Marley-esque dreadlocks. We have to remember that amateur groomers earn points not only for their ability to make their pets look like absolute twits, but also for the degree of difficulty of the groom.”

Oh, yes. For the benefit of our viewers, can you explain the scoring system for amateur dog grooming?”

Certainly, Wendell. Amateur groomers get points for every pound of weight of the dog, multiplied by the average length of the hair, divided by the time it takes to shave it all off. They get additional points for style if they manage to leave hair in places that look semi-intentional, such as the famously difficult ‘poodle cut.’ “

And can they lose points?”

Absolutely. Nicking an ear is a big no-no, for example. It’s very important to know what is dreadlock and what is dog, if you get my meaning. Groomers lose points for every second it takes to stop the bleeding. They can also lose points for shaving too evenly, clipping all the way down the legs, and improperly regulated eyebrows.”

Are the eyebrows that important?”

Oh yes, Wendell. One of the hallmarks of the amateur groomer is that their pets look permanently surprised due to the missing eyebrows. If the groomer leaves too much eyebrow hair, or it’s trimmed too neatly, it can leave the dog looking normal, which is not the goal of the amateur groomer.”

No, it’s not. In fact, one of the fine points of amateur grooming is that the feet and legs must be unshaven below the knees, isn’t that right?”

Absolutely. Everyone knows the true amateur groomer cannot get any dog, even one that weighs less than the clippers, to hold still for a leg trim. One thing the judges will look for tonight, in fact, is the holy grail of amateur groomers, the one-leg trim.”

Of course, and we’re all hoping to see the Amateur Grooming Trifecta tonight.”

Oh yes, Wendell. That’s where the amateur groomer manages to get only one leg trimmed, half of the dog’s face, and three quarters of its tail; the groomer gets extra points if he or she can only get the tip of the tail shaved.”

Well, Kathy, we can’t wait for the excitement to begin! Amateur Night at the Groomers will be right back after these important messages from Poodential Pet Insurance and Milk Bone Dog Treats, the official bribe of amateur groomers everywhere.”

One Response to Amateur night at the groomers

  1. mel andrews

    March 29, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    Bless you my friend. Leave the grooming of your pet and best friend to the professional and trained groomers and I stress Professional! You and your pet will be happier with the results.Hack up your kids and leave your pets alone:-)