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Don’t get stuck in any chimneys this Christmas

Since this is the time of year when the jolly man with the long white beard makes his rounds, sliding down the chimney of homes throughout the world, maybe this is a good time to address the issue of chimneys.

We all know Santa Claus is able to negotiate our chimneys because he has magical powers. Realistically, how would he be able squeeze that big round belly into a chimney otherwise.

What I can’t figure out is what makes so many people think they have Santa’s magical powers.

Over the years I’ve heard numerous accounts of “dumb criminals” getting stuck in chimneys while trying to burglarize homes. Really? Is that the best entrance you could find?

Obviously, asking “why” is a moot point since these criminals clearly aren’t the brightest bulbs on the tree to start with, but my question to them is “how?”

For the life of me I can’t figure out how they are able to get into the chimney far enough to even get stuck in the first place. I’m no chimney expert, but the ones I’ve seen all my life aren’t big enough to get my chubby leg inside, much less an entire body.

Are there humongous chimneys out there in the world that I’ve just not seen?

Maybe that’s what they have in mansions out in Beverly Hills where the residents try to have the biggest and best of everything.

If they feel the need to have a fireplace that big, maybe they deserve to have their homes burglarized.

I shudder to think anyone would attempt to slither down the lining of my chimney. A squirrel is probably the biggest thing that could squeeze down it.

What, exactly, would motivate someone to try to break into a residence through a chimney anyway?

Are they adrenaline junkies who need the challenge?

Are they missing some element in their diet that the soot that coats their skin can provide?

Are they living out some dream to be Santa Claus?

A few years back, I saw some news footage of a man being removed from a chimney. There was a cable attached to him and I think the cable was hoisted by a crane.

It was really kind of comical, especially when he emerged all covered with soot. Talk about embarrassing … He must have felt like climbing back in when he saw the news cameras.

I couldn’t help but think of video footage I’ve seen of horses being pulled from mud pits.

By definition, horse sense is sound judgment or common sense.

Obviously, that term doesn’t apply here.

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