Thank you for calling Bombast Cable Services, Incorporated. I just want you to know that your satisfaction is my goal today. How may I help you?
Well, I’m trying to install my “digital set-top box,” the piece of hardware you told me I had to have to continue receiving the service I’ve paid for. Now I apparently need for you to activate the box.
You can do that online, ma’am.
No, I can’t, because when I try, it tells me that I cannot proceed without calling you, so I’m calling you.
No worries, ma’am. Let me just verify your account. Can you give me your address?
752 West Helpless Lane
Very good, now can you give me your 16-digit account number?
Fantastic. Now I just need the addresses of everyone who watched the last SuperBowl with you, plus your blood type and a list of the seven wonders of the ancient world.
Can you hold?
No, ma’am. Your instructions with the digital set-top box said very clearly that you would need all that information.
(Long pause, ending in list of pointless information.)
Perfect! Now let me see if I can access your account.
You mean I did all that and you still haven’t accessed my account?
No, ma’am, I was just verifying all your information. Let’s see. It says here that you have a digital set-top box. Have you installed that yet.
(Grinding noise, as of someone’s teeth) Yes. That would be why I’m calling YOU. It won’t activate.
I can fix that, ma’am. Just hold for a moment while I pull up your information.
I thought you just did that.
No, that was different information. It says here you have a digital set-top box. Is that working?
(Sound of something heavy being flung.) No, that is the PROBLEM!
Oh, it’s not a problem. Let me just check this. Okay. Now, is your digital set-top box connected to your television and to the outlet?
(Sound of even larger object whanging into the wall.) Yes. It. Is.
Can you just verify your account number for me again?
Look, I just want the cable service that 1.) I have paid for and 2.) was working fine until you demanded that I interfere with it.
I understand your concern ma’am. I just need some more information. Please give me your account number, the number on the digital-set-top box, directions to where you keep your valuables, and the phone number of your mother’s former dentist’s housekeeper.
(Huge, resounding crash) Please don’t bother. That was me throwing the digital set-top box through the screen. Do you happen to have the number for Direct TV?